


Poetry Reading by Sue

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, Poetry, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 02:45:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair and Jim use poetry to express their love and support.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poetry Reading by Sue

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Gabrielle Bessey for her contributions of

## Poetry Reading

by Sue

Author's disclaimer: I don't own 'em, never will. Please don't sue. No $$$ changed hands. 

poetry and inspiration. In part 4, Gabrielle Bessey is the actual author of the poems which Blair writes. 

Warnings: Major sap rating for parts 1-3. Part 3.5: NC-17; violence, language, m/m sex. No poetry in that part. Part 4: NC-17; angst, violence, and implied rape. Also any mistakes with hypnotism are solely mine - remember this is fiction, folks, and it worked for me here. And yes, the boys have SEX. 

Archivist's note: This story was sent in parts to the SXF list from July 21st to August 26th, 1997. 

* * *

Poetry Reading #1 

Jim and Blair were cuddled up on the couch in front of the fireplace. The snow had been falling all day. Jim, having gone through his small, but select collection of books earlier, had come across the small book of poetry by Gabrielle Bessey, a favorite author of his. Re-reading her book of poems, he was stunned at how much one particular poem reflected his feelings for Blair. Marking the page and setting the book aside, Jim waited for the right time to read it to his lover. After dinner, they settled down in front of the fire place. 

Snagging the book from the coffee table, Jim opened it to the marked page and began to read... 

Brushing your fingertips across my lips...  
      the sweet breath of anticipation fills me.      

Shivers of an undeniable passion shimmer across my skin,  
      drawing me into your arms.      

I feel the warmth of your lips  
      against my skin as you drink in my taste.      

I feel the sweep of your hands across my back  
      as I sink into you.      

I am amazed and thrilled by the rush of emotions  
      that fill my heart and soul...  
           feelings that call out your name...  
                passions that ache for your touch.                

To feel your eyes caress me,  
      your mouth whisper my name,  
           your body surround me with love,  
   I lose myself in the realization of dreams come true. 

I look at you and I catch my breath...  
      I feel as if my heart stops because it so full of love.      

I feel my breath quicken,  
      and it feels like my soul is leaping towards heaven.      

I see the stars in your eyes,  
      scattered like diamonds in the night sky,  
           and you pull one down as a gift.           

I see passion in your soul,  
      dancing in the wind,  
           filling me with lightening and music and joy.           

I see love in you,  
      held out to me with trusting hands,  
           a haven for my heart.           

G. Bessey, 6/24/96 

* * *

By the time Jim had finished, Blair's lower lip was trembling. Jim closed the book and set it back on the table. Blair launched himself into Jim's arms, kissing him passionately. Coming up for air, Blair told Jim, "I love you so much." And punctuating each word with a kiss. 

"I love you just as much," Jim replied, leading Blair up stairs to bed. 

* * *

Poetry Reading #2: The Next Day 

The next morning, Blair grabbed the book of poems that Jim had read from, and took it to school with him. He had _really_ liked the one poem and wanted to read the rest of her work. 

Having found two poems that he thought fit his and Jim's relationship, he read and re-read them so that he was sure to not stumble over anything later. 

Finished for the day, Blair made his way over to the music department. He had had several music students take one or two of his classes, and hoped that they would help him with his surprise for Jim. 

Thinking of Jim, Blair reached for his cell phone. He did not want a repeat of the last time he forgot to let Jim know he would be late. He was unable to reach Jim on his cell phone, // battery's probably dead// so he called home and left a message on the answering machine. 

Finishing in the recording studio, Blair took his tape, thanked his former students and headed for home. He stopped on the way home to grab some Chinese, since it was his turn to cook. 

Opening the door, Blair saw the Jim was home, he was lounging on the couch watching the news. "I was beginning to worry about ya there, Chief, what kept ya?" Jim got up to help Blair with the bag of food. 

Handing the bag to Jim, he replied, "Thanks, a project. I stopped and got dinner." 

Putting the bag on the counter, Jim gave Blair a soft, but loving kiss hello. "I can smell that: Chinese." Blair just grinned. 

After eating, Blair put his tape into the stereo and began setting out some candles, lighting them as he went, turning off the lights. Jim just watched, smiling, as his lover went about his tasks. Going back to the stereo, Blair hit play, then returned to where Jim was sitting on the couch. Holding out his hand to Jim, soft Celtic music began to play. 

Taking Blair's hand, Jim stood up. Leading Jim to the more open area, Blair slid into Jim's arms and began to sway with the music. The next track began to play and the music softened even more as Blair's voice came from the tape: 

The sound of your heart beating a sensuous rhythm that calls to me in a never-ending song.  
Your hands...warm and gentle...caressing me with the familiarity that comes only by years of loving attention.  
You know how to touch me, finding the dark places that set me on fire.  
How you love to watch the emotions race across my face as you lead me farther into this place of pleasure.  
The warm rush of your breath as you claim every part of my body with your kiss.  
The heat of your body...the slow, seductive friction of skin against skin.  
Tasting the passion that still lingers in the air...tasting it on your skin.  
Glances with hooded eyes--an awareness of the fire that is always smoldering beneath the surface...waiting only for a spark.  
Intertwined fingers...legs...as the weight of your body presses me into dampened sheets.  
Hearts beat in time--one to another--a perfect match.  
Breathing in each other...filling the other with all of our secret fantasies and desires.  
The ache that constantly surges and fades as seconds go by.  
I can never get enough of you--your taste, your touch, your smell.  
You exist in everything...my heart, my dreams, in the secret part of me.  
I will never let you go. 

Gabrielle Bessey, 3/15/94 

* * *

When Blair finished the reading, Jim kissed him passionately, he again heard Blair's voice coming from the speakers. 

Raindrops...  
      dropping one by one,  
           gently running down his chest,  
                following a path my fingers have traveled  
      (but only in my dreams). 

I see him,  
      glancing at me...up and down...eyes hooded. 

I wonder what he is thinking? 

      Does he ache...does he burn? 

I turn away before he sees my passion...  
      before he knows how much I want him. 

When I feel his touch on my arm...  
      when I feel the heat of his skin against my back,  
           I can't help sinking into his arms. 

Feeling his lips on the nape of my neck,  
      his tongue caressing my ear,  
           his hands pulling my hips back against him,  
      I am lost...drowning in a passion I never knew existed. 

Raindrops...  
      dropping one by one,  
           gently running down his chest,  
                following a path my fingers have traveled...and  
will travel again. 

Gabrielle Bessey, 8/29/95 

* * *

Jim pulled Blair tightly to him, whispering in his ear. "I love you." 

Muffled by Jim's chest, Blair replied."I love you too, Big Guy." Sweeping Blair up into his arms Jim carried him up to their bed. 

* * *

Poetry Reading #3: Anniversary Night 

This was the third book store that Blair had been to today. He was beginning to wonder if he would have to try and convince Jim to make an excursion to Seattle, though he would have to come up with a better reason then just hitting the book stores looking for other books of poetry by Gabrielle Bessey. 

While Jim might like her stuff, taking a two and a half hour drive for a couple of books just didn't seem to be Jim, but then he hadn't thought Jim the poetry type either... //Yes, his Jim could be romantic, more so than even me, but...I think I'd be pushing it.// Looking through the books, Blair spotted one. Plucking it off the shelf, he opened it to check to see if there was a list of her published works inside. 

Blair made his way to the information/help desk. "Can I help you, sir?" asked the woman behind the counter. 

"Um, yes. I was wondering if you could order these other books?" he asked as he showed the woman the page with the list of books. 

"Let me check the computer." She typed in the required information. "Yes sir, all of them are in print, would you like to order them?" 

"Yes, please." //This is going to be great.// 

"Your name, sir?" 

"Oh, Blair Sandburg, I should be in the system." 

"Yes you are, Mr. Sandburg. Still at 852 Prospect?" 

"Yes, phone's still the same as well." 

The printer started whirring, printing up the order. After signing the order form, Blair went to pay for the books that he had picked up. 

He was practically bouncing when he got back to the loft, putting his treasures into his former bedroom, which he now used as an office. Having beat his lover home, Blair went about making a special dinner. //Our first anniversary. Wonder if Jim remembers.// 

While dinner was on cooking , Blair began getting the rest of the loft ready. 

* * *

//Please let there be hot water. Lots of hot water.// It was Jim's only thought as he made his way up the three flights of stairs. Unlocking the door, Jim opened it just enough to yell inside. "Chief, could you grab a trash bag and a bath towel too please." He began to remove his ruined clothing. //Glad no one else shares the third floor.// 

Upstairs, Blair heard Jim yell for him. //Trash bag? Towel?// Tearing down the stairs, Blair grabbed a towel from the bathroom. Worry propelled him to the door, before getting the trash bag, though. Pulling open the door, Blair's eyes went wide when he saw Jim. 

//Yuck!!// "What happened to you?" //My poor baby -- trash bag!!// Rushing to the kitchen, Blair got the requested trash bag. Blair held the bag open while Jim dropped all his clothing into it, double checking the pockets first. Taking the towel, Blair tried to wipe as much of the gunk off of Jim. "Go get in the shower, I go throw this stuff away." 

"No, Chief, they got ruined on the job, the department can replace them. Just throw it in the back of the truck. Oh, take an extra bag with you, there's a blanket on my seat, would you please put it in the bag and put it with my clothes? Thanks, Chief... I know... don't touch you." Jim said with a smile. 

Walking into the loft, the smell of dinner made his mouth water. Looking around Jim noticed Blair's efforts and smiled. //Our anniversary. Good thing I picked up Blair's present the other day.// Jim went to take his shower. 

When Jim came out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, Blair had all the candles lit and soft music playing. Nude, Jim padded over to Blair, who was starting to put the food on the table. Jim pulled Blair to him, after he had set down a bowl of mashed potatoes, kissing him. The kiss started out soft and gentle, but quickly became passionate, ending when they both became weak from oxygen deprivation. 

"Jim..." Blair looked at the food. //I can always reheat it.// Then he heard the growl from Jim's stomach. Laughing breathlessly Blair said, "Jim, why don't you go put something on while I finish putting dinner on the table," and gave his lover a swift, hard kiss, before going back into the kitchen. 

* * *

Happy, full and very content Blair joined Jim on the couch, after stopping in his office to get Jim's present. Cuddling on the couch, Blair handed Jim a wrapped package. Opening it, Jim found it was a book of poetry by Gabrielle Bessey, he noticed a page was marked, turning to it he read: 

Melodies of night.  
I am on fire. 

Your fingertips stroke my skin  
   and send me deeper into the flames. 

Stroke by stroke, lovingly etched on my body,  
   you fan the fire that burns inside.  
Caresses, each becoming more daring  
   than the one before, drive me  
     further into your waiting arms  
       and the light that waits to consume us. 

Whirlpools pull me under waves that  
   sweep me into pulsating sensations,  
     stealing my breath away. 

Clouds cushion, light fades.  
Night returns to blanket us in  
   gentleness and love. 

Love songs at dawn. 

Words of honey... soft, fluid, warm.  
Gasps... sighs...  
Sharp intakes of breath  
   as nerves are electrified.  
Skin throbbing as heat rushes through  
   veins carrying urgent signals. 

The rising of day matches  
   the longing for touch.  
Arching...  
   swaying...      retreat, advance. 

Notes well up, surrounding us with  
   strains of ancient rhythms.  
They echo the cry of our souls  
   and carry us higher into the sun. 

Heat pierces heat  
   and splinters of a thousand stars  
     rain crystal prisms. 

Rainbows delicately ease us down  
   to the peace of morning  
     and we are embraced by love. 

Gabrielle Bessey, 2/18/91 

Blair was stunned to see the tears shimmering in Jim's eyes. Then unceremoniously, Jim grabbed him into a hug. Whispering, "I love you," he slid off the couch, to kneel between Blair's spread legs. 

"I love you, Blair Sandburg and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Taking Blair's left hand Jim asked, "Will you marry me?" as he pressed the ring into Blair's hand. 

Blair looked down at the ring that lay in his hand, and then back at Jim's hopeful face. Touching his lips to Jim's, he spoke softly, "Yes," and continuing to kiss Jim's face, saying yes after each one. 

* * *

Poetry Reading #3.5: Nightmares - The Beginning 

Static popped over the police band radio. Followed by: [Any unit in the area of Mason and Legacy; there's been a report of screams coming from 34557 Mason. ] 

"Jim, we're only 2 blocks from there, man." Blair informed his friend. 

Picking up the mike, Jim responded. "52 David Echo responding to screams at 34557 Mason, ETA less then 2 minutes. Out." Jim flipped his visor down, turning on the lights and siren. He pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator. 

[10-4, 52 David Echo, have you responding to 34557 Mason. A patrol car should be there in 5. Control out.] 

Pulling up in front of the house Jim, turned off the siren and turned up his hearing. He could hear someone weakly gasping for air. He could also pick up four heartbeats, one very weak, two softer ones beating very quickly, and one pounding, starting to slow down, returning to a more normal beat. 

"Jim? " Blair questioned. 

Turning to his partner, "Call in, Chief, tell them to send an ambulance." Jim told Blair, pulling his gun, jogging up to the front door. Turning the knob, lock. He could hear the stronger heartbeat getting closer. Jim could also smell blood. Looking through a front window Jim could see a man moving towards the back of the house, he was covered in blood. 

Going back to the front door, Jim raised his foot, and kicked in the door. Hearing the door burst open behind him, the man spun around. Seeing Jim's silhouette in the doorway, the man turned back and ran towards the back of the house. 

"FREEZE! POLICE!" Jim yelled at the fleeing man. Jim ran after him. 

The man ran right into two police officers waiting at the back door. During the ensuing struggle one of the police officers, as well as the suspect, were stabbed. 

Going back into the kitchen Jim searched for dish towels. After opening several drawers, he found them. Taking a large handful, he returned to the downed officer. He found the suspect handcuffed to the porch railing and the officer's partner holding his hand over the bleeding wound. He handed him most of the towels to police officer. 

"Here, use these," Jim said, going over to check the suspect. The man was losing blood fast, and lots of it. More officers had arrived on the scene. Directing one of them to hold towels on the suspect's wounds, he went back into the house. 

Jim ran up the stairs taking them two at a time. Blair was right behind him. Following the trail, as well as the smell of blood, Jim went down the hall, to the last door. Opening it, Jim saw the woman lying on the bed. 

Turning to his lover, Jim ordered, "Stay out here, Chief." Jim moved over to the bed, he could just make out her heartbeat. He knew she was dying. Leaning down he turned up his hearing trying to make out what she was saying. 

"My babies..." she said with her dying breath, it came out so softly only the Sentinel could hear it. 

Jim heard other officers enter the room, most left gagging. Two EMTs came in. One checked for a pulse. Jim knew he wouldn't find one. Leaving the room, Jim found the bathroom and washed the blood off his hands. 

Listening, Jim made his way to one of the other rooms. Opening the door, he stepped inside, Blair's comforting presence following close behind. Going directly to the closet, he opened the door and squatted down. 

"It's okay, I'm a policeman. You can come out, you're safe now. My name's Jim." Jim spoke in a soft soothing voice, trying to coax the children from the closet. Jim kept up the soft litany of words. After nearly a half hour the larger of the two children relented, and pulling the smaller one along, came out of the closet. 

The little girl tumbled into Jim's arms crying. "I... want... my... mommy," The little girl said between sobs. The little boy clutched at him as well. 

Simon came into the room, closing the door behind him. He watched as his detective calmed the children. Jim continued to talked softly with them, asking them their names. Both Simon and Blair were always amazed at how well Jim got along with children, both thought he would make a good father. 

It was the one thing that sadden Blair about their relationship. He could never give his lover children. And he could tell that Jim would make an excellent father; he was a gentle, caring and loving man. //Though if he had a daughter, God help the boys who would come around to date her.// Blair smiled slightly at the thought. //Now remember, young man, I'm a police officer and I carry a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.// 

Simon saw Blair's wistful smile and came over to him, knowing what Sandburg was thinking. Whispering, he asked. "Thinking what a great father he would make?" 

Startled from his thoughts Blair looked up at the taller man. Whispering as well he answered, "Yeah. Can you imagine what he would be like with a daughter? Probably frisk the poor boy who came to take her out. He would probably put her in a chastity belt as well." 

Jim could hear the wistful quality in his lover's voice and it caused his heart to tighten. Though he was loathed to admit it, Jim knew Blair's assessment of his reaction should he have a daughter wasn't far off. Jim returned his attention to the children in his arms, knowing he would be just as protective of a son also. 

Once it was determined that the children had no family in Cascade, they were turned over to Child Welfare, who would contact the children's relatives who lived in another state. 

They went back to the station to fill out the required paperwork, during which Jim was unusually quiet. Just before they left, Jim was informed that the suspect had died during surgery. The police officer was still alive, though listed in critical condition. 

Upon returning home, Jim took a long, hot shower. Poking his head into the bathroom, Blair asked. "What do you want for dinner, babe?" 

"I'm not really hungry, Chief," Jim answered, as he stepped out of the shower. 

Blair snagged a towel and began to dry his lover off. He started by lightly patting his face and running the towel over his short brush cut. Running the towel down his back and sides, Blair then dropped to one knee and dried Jim's ass, first one cheek, then the other. Moving onto Jim's legs, he did first one leg, then the other. 

Standing back up, Blair moved to stand in front of Jim. Starting at his neck, Blair slid the towel down Jim's left arm, drying his hand, Blair brought it to his mouth and kissed each of fingers. Blair gave the right arm and hand the same treatment. 

Moving the towel over Jim's chest, Blair teased his nipples. Slowly he moved down over his abdomen, avoiding Jim's groin. Dropping once more to one knee, Blair moved onto Jim's legs. Drying first one leg and foot, he picked Jim's foot up and rested it on his bent leg. Blair paid special attention to make sure his foot was completely dry, especially between his toes. When he was finished with each toe, he placed a kiss on it. By the time Blair was finished with the first foot, Jim was panting. Blair repeated his treatment on Jim's other leg and foot. Upon completion of that leg, Jim's breathing was ragged. 

Kneeling before Jim, Blair brought the towel up to Jim's groin. Gently Blair rolled Jim's testicles in the towel, drying them. Blair then took Jim's erection in the towel, slowly drawing the towel up and down. Finished, Blair placed a kiss on the head of Jim's dripping cock. 

"Chief, if you don't get moving, I'm going to throw you on the floor and take you right here," Jim told Blair in a husky voice. 

Blair looked up at his lover. Taking in Jim's lust-filled eyes, Blair stood up. Taking his lover's hand, Blair led him up to their bed. 

"Seems to me lover, that you are _way_ over-dressed," Jim said with a smile. He reached out and started to unbutton Blair's shirt. Pushing it off his shoulders, Jim slid the shirt and his hands down Blair's arms. Jim let the shirt drop to the floor as he reach for Blair's t-shirt, pulling it out from his jeans. Tugging the t-shirt over Blair's head, he dropped that on the floor as well. 

Taking Blair's face in his hands, Jim placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Wrapping his arms around him, Jim pick Blair up and dropped him on their bed. Dropping on top of Blair, Jim let his arms absorb most of his weight. 

Jim nuzzled Blair's lips, deepening the kiss. Jim slid his tongue into Blair's mouth, sliding it over his teeth, licking at his palate, rubbing against his tongue. Jim made love to Blair's mouth. 

Leaving his mouth, Jim nibbled and licked his way down Blair's neck, biting him and leaving his mark at the junction of where shoulder meets neck. Continuing down to Blair's nipples, Jim tenderly licked at one. He then blew on it, causing the erectile tissue to harden. Jim grasped the nub between his teeth and tugged gently, then nipped it, which caused Blair to moan more loudly. Kissing his way over to Blair's other tit, Jim sucked in it, rubbing his tongue across its surface. 

Moving on, Jim licked at Blair's chest hair. Grooming him with his tongue, until he ran into Blair's jeans. Looking up at Blair, he saw that his lover's eyes were dilated, his mouth open and panting. Jim rubbed his chin over the bulge in Blair's pants, causing Blair to buck his hips into Jim's face. 

"God, babe, you're killing me here. Please... please Jim, I got to have you in me now." Blair moaned, reaching for his fly, trying to undo the button. 

Sitting up, Jim straddled Blair's hips, rubbing his ass against the rough material of Blair's jeans and his trapped erection. Jim reached down and started to undo Blair's fly. Sliding back, Jim bent down and kissed and licked the exposed skin. 

Getting off the end of the bed after he finished undoing Blair's pants, Jim grabbed the bottom of the pant legs and pulled them off of his lover. It always amused Blair that the hotter Jim got for it, the less it seemed he cared about the house rules, as he saw his jeans go flying, then his boxers. 

Jim knelt on the end of the bed and began to worship Blair's body with his mouth once more. By the time Jim reached Blair's groin, his cock was weeping. Jim nuzzled at his balls, sucking first one then the other into his mouth. 

Jim took a deep breath, smelling the essence of his lover's musk of arousal. It caused his mouth to water. Licking his way up the shaft, Jim lapped up the pre-cum leaking from the opening. Without warning, Jim opened his mouth and took all of Blair's cock into his mouth and down his throat. Blair screamed and came, Jim swallowed it all, licking Blair's cock clean. He then crawled up Blair's body and licked at his slack mouth. 

Reaching across Blair, Jim opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out the tube of KY. Kneeling between Blair's splayed legs, he put some lube on his fingers. Teasing the tight ring of muscle, Jim slowly sank one finger into Blair's hole. Working it in and out, stretching it, Jim added a second, then a third finger. Squeezing more lube on to his fingers, Jim coated his cock. 

Pulling Blair closer, Jim rested Blair's legs up on his shoulders and guided his cock into his lover. Sinking in slowly, Jim savored the feeling of being surrounded by Blair, hearing him moan his name. Once he was all the way in, Jim slid his hands up and under his young lover. Grasping Blair's shoulders, Jim pulled slightly, causing Blair to arch under him, exposing his neck. Jim took advantage of Blair's more vulnerable position, and attacked his neck; licking and biting it, and causing Blair to moan and squirm and rub his renewed erection against Jim's abdomen. 

"Baby, if I was able, I'd suck your cock while I fucked you. God, Blair, you make me so hot... love you, baby..." Jim panted into Blair's ear. 

"Jesus... fuck me, baby... come on... move, damn it..." Blair moaned. "Jim stop screwing around and fuck me." 

Jim chuckled. Letting go of Blair's shoulders, Jim returned to his kneeling position. Taking hold of Blair's thighs and using them for leverage, Jim started to move. No longer getting friction from Jim's abdomen, Blair took hold of his cock and start to yank on it in counter point to Jim. 

It didn't take long for them to reach their climax. Jim came first, Blair following, both screaming the other's name. Jim collapsed next to Blair, both panting harshly. Not having the strength to get up and get a washcloth, Blair reached over the side of the bed, coming back with his t-shirt. Using it to clean them both up as best he could, he tossed it back on the floor and pulled the covers over both of them, 

"I love you, Chief," Jim said softly, pulling Blair close. 

"Love you too babe," Blair answered, cuddling. 

Both were asleep in minutes. 

* * *

Several hours later, Jim woke them both with his screaming. Rubbing his back, Blair tried to soothe his trembling lover. 

"Sshhh. You're safe.. " Blair spoke in a soft, soothing voice. "Babe? Do you want to talk about it?" Blair asked, knowing talking always eased his nightmares. 

"I ... I don't remember it... just being scared..." Jim replied, still breathing hard. Slowly his breathing returned to normal, and lying back down, Jim snuggled into Blair's embrace. "It's probably caused from earlier... I'm okay, go back to sleep, Chief. Love you." 

"I love you, too," Blair told him, kissing Jim on his forehead. 

Slowly sleep stole over them. They slept through the rest of the night. 

Awakened again the next night by the nightmare, it took somewhat longer for them to fall back to sleep. All Jim could or would tell Blair about the nightmare was that he was scared. He said that he didn't remember anything of the nightmare itself. The next two nights Jim did not have any nightmares, so they both attributed those Jim had to being caused by the job: more than likely by the woman who had been murdered four days ago. Somehow the nightmares had resolved themselves. 

Unfortunately that would prove _not_ to be the case. 

* * *

Poetry Reading #4: Nightmares 

"Jim, easy babe. I'm here. Sshhh now, it's okay, you're safe. Do you want to talk about it?" Blair asked, cuddling Jim closer to him, trying to ease the grip the nightmare had on him. 

Jim just shook his head no, trying to hide in the crook of Blair's neck. Jim remembered only that he was terrified by whatever was in the nightmares, though he could never remember what terrified him. 

The nightmares had started 16 days ago, with Jim waking up screaming in terror. The next two days he didn't have any, so both men wrote it off as too much stress from the job. Then the fourth night saw the return of the nightmares: they had been intermittent at first, but steadily became a nightly ritual: Jim waking in absolute terror, though not remembering why, and then refusing to talk about it. 

Blair was becoming frustrated; Jim refused to tell him what his nightmares were about. //No doubt he _thinks_ he's protecting me... damn it, why won't he tell me? I though after all this time, that he could trust me... I tell him my nightmares, why can't he tell me his?// He was hurt by Jim's apparent lack of trust. 

Sitting in his office, Blair pulled out his journal and began to write while he waited till 3pm and he could leave. Though he wasn't sure he really wanted to go home. In the last few days Jim had become distant and uncommunicative, the nightmares seemed to be driving them apart; Blair asking him to talk about it, and Jim refusing. 

* * *

There are hidden chasms in his heart, places I cannot go. 

He never lets anyone in there, never lets in any light. 

I don't even know if they are reachable and  
I'm not sure I could find them without his help. 

He keeps his darkest thoughts there.  
Experiences he wishes he could erase.  
Experiences that no one should have knowledge of...  
even in the ravages of war.  
Rage at being forced to hide in the shadows of life. 

Sometimes he talks about it. 

Late at night...  
when his heart is heavy, and the memories too painful to bear alone. 

He reaches out, hesitantly...almost afraid...  
quietly asking me to hold him; to help him fight his demons. 

I take his hand, enfolding its strength between my palms,  
feeling the tremors of pain as he remembers the horror he has seen. 

Then I take him into my arms, holding him tightly against  
my body, to ease the ache in his chest from tears  
he cannot cry...he has shed them all. 

My heart beats beneath his cheek and the rhythm is a lifeline  
in the darkness; a darkness that paralyzes him and locks him  
into a cage of human emotion. 

I stroke his hair, gently rocking him back and forth,  
whispering words he does not understand,  
but they comfort him...and, for now, that's all I can do. 

* * *

Looking up at the clock on the wall, Blair saw it was 3:30. Time to go home. Blair shuddered. He really didn't want to go home... it had ceased to be home these last few days, it had become almost a battlefield: him against the nightmares, and the nightmares were winning. 

Having stopped to pick up what he needed to make Jim's favorite meal, Blair let himself into the loft. Jim wouldn't be home for at least another hour and a half, more then enough time to fix the lasagna and a tossed salad. 

Setting everything on the counter in the kitchen, Blair took his backpack and put it in the office. Coming back to the kitchen, he noticed a stack of papers on the table. He stopped to look at them, knowing they weren't there this morning when he left for the U. 

Dear Blair, 

I'm sorry, but I don't know how to say this without hurting you. I've hurt you enough as it is. I'm going away for awhile, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone. I have to get my head back together, I'm no good on the job and I'm no good to you. 

I will be back, just not sure when. If you are not here when I do come back, I'll understand. God knows you deserve someone better then me anyway. 

I knew you would be pissed, I also knew you would talk me out of going. So I'm taking the coward's way out so I don't have to face you. 

I love you, Blair, even though right now it doesn't seem like it. 

Yours forever, 

Jim 

Taking the letter, Blair went and sat down on the couch, tears running down his cheeks. Pulling his legs up to his chest, Blair sat there rocking himself and re-reading the letter. When the sun came up the next morning, he was still sitting in the same position. The only thought running through his mind, was that the battle was over and the nightmares had won. 

* * *

**1 WEEK LATER**

Blair had made a deal with himself, he would give Jim three months to come home. If he wasn't back by then, he was history. 

He was amazed at how much work he got done, with Jim not there to distract him. He was on his final revision of his dissertation, he had all his notes for all his classes organized, and even had the tests for said classes, if not written, at least outlined. //God how pathetic, all I do is work... and take it out on my poor students. Please come home, Jim.// Pulling out his journal Blair began to write. 

The wind whistles through the trees. 

What little leafage remaining quakes,  
then returns to complacent sleep. 

Birds sing their songs, yet they falter,  
not so quick to utter their lovely notes. 

I hope... against hope... you will see the light  
and come back to me. 

All those nights I held you and kept your nightmares at bay,  
you never once told me the truth. 

I don't mean about your feelings,  
you were very honest and I thank you for that. 

I mean the truth about the nightmares;  
the evils that you leave on the doorstep  
when you cross my threshold. 

It's as if you're afraid to show me.  
Afraid I might break and run like she did,  
the one before me. 

I'm rapidly losing ground in the fight. 

I can't fight blindly; not if you expect me to win. 

I'm strong, I can handle what you don't want to tell me. 

If you don't... I'm afraid I'm going to lose you,  
and I'll be alone... again. 

You fight my fears, too. You give me strength in ways  
I never thought possible. 

Let me give some strength back to you.  
Please don't shut me out.  
I'm afraid. 

* * *

**1 MONTH LATER**

Looking over at the answering machine when he got in that afternoon, Blair noticed the message light was blinking. Part of him wanted to check it, hoping that it was Jim, but the new, cynical part figured it was either Simon checking on him again or another long distance service wanting him to switch... so he ignored it. 

After dinner, another salad, he sat at the table going over next week's study plan. Looking up, again he noticed that message light blinking at him. //Well, it could be the university trying to reach me... guess I better check it.// 

Blair went over to the machine and pressed the 'play messages' button. 

"Mr. Ellison, this is Becky with Dr. Brian McAlastair's office. Your appointment is scheduled for tomorrow at 10:00 am. Please arrive 15 minutes early to fill out the paper work. The office is located in the Professional Building next to Cascade General Hospital; Suite 304. Phone number is 555-1733. If you have any questions please call; the office hours are from 9:00 am to 7:00 pm." 

Curious, Blair dialed the number . 

"Doctor's office, this is Diane can you hold please?" The disembodied voice asked. 

"Yeah, sure." Blair muttered. 

"Thank you for holding, how may I help you?" The voice inquired. 

"Um, yes I was wondering what kind of practice Dr. Brian McAlastair has?" Blair asked. 

"Dr. McAlastair is a licensed Psychiatrist. Is there anything else, sir?" The voice asked. Blair could tell she was bored and figured he was nothing more then a telemarketer. 

"Thank you." Blair hung up. A psychiatrist, Jim was going to see a psychiatrist. This meant Jim was back. Jim. Was. Back. Just as the thought was finally making its way through his brain, he heard the door open and close with a soft click. 

Blair froze. He wasn't sure if Jim wanted him here now or not. His heart began to race, from fear and elation, his love was home. 

Seeing Blair's body stiffen, Jim heard his heart begin to race. Was it anger or dread? In a soft, uncertain voice Jim asked, "Do you want me to leave? I'll understand if you do. I should have called first, I'm sorry." Putting his hand on the door knob, Jim prepared to flee. 

"Leave, why would I want you to leave?" Turning around, Blair gasped. Jim had lost weight. It also looked like he hadn't shaved since he had left, he had a full beard and mustache. But it was Jim's eyes that frightened Blair the most, they were dull, almost dead looking and haunted. 

"Jim, why would I want you to leave?" Blair asked again, softly, as if talking to a frightened child or animal. "You're home now, home to stay, right?" 

"I... I don't know... that'll be up to the doctor I think. I have an appointment to see him tomorrow, he might... " Jim began to tremble, wrapping his arms around himself, he leaned against the door. Slowly, Jim began to slide down the door until he was sitting on the floor. 

Cautiously Blair approached Jim, unsure of his reaction. Coming to a stop in front of his lover, he squatted down. "Jim, I don't want you to leave, I never did. You're home now, this is where you belong." Holding out his hand, "Will you give me your hand? Why don't we go take a shower and then I'll fix us some dinner and then we can talk or even turn in early if you want, okay?" 

Looking up into Blair's eyes, Jim relented. Reaching up with a shaking hand, he took Blair's and allowed the younger man to pull him to his feet. Blair led him to the bathroom. Removing Jim's clothes, he realized just how much weight Jim had really lost. 

Showered, clean shaven once more and in clean clothes Jim at least looked more presentable. While Jim had been gone, Blair hadn't eaten very well either. So consequently there wasn't a whole lot in the apartment. Blair figured the easiest thing to do would be to have something delivered. Settling on Chinese, he called in the order, keeping to the more bland spectrum of the menu, knowing Jim's system couldn't handle too much. 

After cleaning up, Blair called the school and talked Jenny, a TA, into having her cover his classes the next day. There was no way he was going to let Jim go to that doctor's appointment alone. 

It took Blair over an hour to convince Jim that he belonged upstairs in _their_ bed and not on the couch. //God, what happened to my self-assured Jim? Why did you run, Jim... we could have worked this out weeks ago. Could have gone to the doctor weeks ago. You're home now, and if you think I'm letting some head-shrinker separate us, you are in for a rude awakening, my friend. So is the doctor.// 

* * *

**2 MONTHS LATER**

"Now Jim, I want you to relax and count backwards from 10, when you reach 1, you will be completely relaxed. " Dr. McAlastair spoke softly. 

"10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.." Jim counted, drifting into a hypnotic trance. 

Doctor: "Jim, do you know where you are?" 

Jim: "Yes." 

Doctor: "Where are you?" 

Jim: "Your office." 

Doctor: "Good. Now did you have any nightmares last night?" 

Jim: "Yes." 

Doctor: "What happens in your nightmare, Jim?" 

Jim: "Scared." He sounds like a small child 

Doctor: "What scares you?" 

Jim: _pause_ "Man." 

Doctor: "What man?" 

Jim: "One with mommy." 

Doctor: "Is the man your father?" 

Jim: "No." 

Doctor: "What's the man doing?" 

Jim: "He... he's lying on top of mommy." 

Doctor: "Jim, is your mommy saying anything?" 

Jim: "Yes." 

Doctor: "What is she saying?" 

Jim: "Don't... don't hurt my babies." 

Doctor: "Jim, what do you do now?" 

Jim: "I'm scared... mommy's crying." 

Doctor: "What do you do?" 

Jim: "Mommy sees me, she tells me to get Stevie and run, hide." 

Doctor: "What did the man do when your mommy told you run and hide?" 

Jim: "Nothing, he didn't hear her." 

Doctor: _puzzled_ "Why didn't the man hear her?" 

Jim: "It's a secret. I'm not suppose to tell." 

Doctor: "Who said it was a secret?" 

Jim: "Mommy." 

Doctor: "When did your mommy say it was a secret?" 

Jim: "Always, never suppose to tell." 

Doctor: "Why?" 

Jim: "Men take me away from mommy and daddy." 

Doctor: "What men?" 

Jim: "Mommy said gee-men." 

Doctor: "Jim, did you and Stevie run and hide like your mommy told you?" 

Jim: "Yes." 

Doctor: "Where did you go?" 

Jim: "Secret place." 

Doctor: "What happened next?" 

Jim: "Heard mommy screaming." 

Doctor: "When did you leave your secret place?" 

Jim: "After man left." 

Doctor: "How did you know the man had left?" 

Jim: "Couldn't hear him anymore." 

Doctor: "Jim, where did you go when you left your secret place?" 

Jim: "Put Stevie in bed... told him to go to sleep." 

Doctor: "What did you do when you got to your mommy's room?" 

Jim: "Shook her... wouldn't get up... blood, lots of blood. Couldn't hear her." Tears began to slide down his cheeks. 

Doctor: "What did you do then, Jim?" 

Jim: "I... I... mommy, can't hear mommy... " 

Doctor: "Jim, you are safe now. Okay, what did you do now?" 

Jim: "Daddy home, went down stairs... hard to open door, kept slipping. Ran out to daddy... " 

Doctor: "Okay, Jim when I count to 3, you'll wake up and you will remember everything we talked about, all right?" 

Jim: "Yes." 

Doctor: "1.. 2.. 3.." 

Upon waking up, Jim remember what had happened when he was 5 years old. Pulling his legs up to his chest he began to cry. Getting up from his seat in the corner, Blair came over to him and wrapped his arms around Jim, holding on to his lover as they both cried. 

* * *

**3 MONTHS LATER**

Jim woke early, from a second night where he had slept straight through without any nightmares. He gazed down at his sleeping lover. //God he is so beautiful... and he's mine.. all mine.// 

Pulling the covers down and away from his unsuspecting lover, Jim drank in his lover's beauty. Gently he turned Blair onto his back. Starting at the tip of Blair's nose, Jim placed a gentle kiss there, moving on to his lips, he kissed him there as well, followed by a light swipe of his tongue. Jim trailed kisses and licks down Blair's entire body. 

Blair woke slowly to the gentle loving. Groaning softly, Blair's body began to undulate under Jim's attentions. Especially when Jim began to suck his toes, he never knew having his toes sucked and tongued could be such a sensual experience. As Jim began to work his way back up Blair's legs, he began to add nips now, soothing them with slow swipes of his tongue. 

By the time Jim had gotten back up to Blair's groin, his erection was standing proud and ready to be worshiped. Jim began at the base, licking and nibbling his way up to the crown. Pre-ejaculate was already seeping from the slit. Teasingly Jim lapped at it, barely brushing the head with his tongue, rubbing his lower lip against it. 

Opening his mouth as wide as he could, Jim slowly descended on Blair's cock. He breathed hot, moist air over it, trying not to touch any part of Blair's cock with his mouth. Once the gland touched the back of his throat, lips skimmed over his teeth, and Jim snapped his jaws shut. Blair, startled by the contact, let out an inarticulate cry. 

Rising back up, Jim tightened his mouth on the upward stroke, letting it go slack on his way back down. After only a few repetitions, he released Blair's erection. 

Reaching into the drawer of the nightstand, Jim pulled out the lube. Squeezing a generous amount into his hand, he reached out and coated Blair's cock, with slow, sensuous strokes. Putting more lube on his fingers, Jim reach behind and slid a finger into his anus, repeating the action, but with two fingers this time. Kneeling over his lover, Jim took Blair's cock in hand and aligned it with his pulsing anus. Sinking down, taking Blair into himself, Jim let out a growl. He threw his head back when Blair's cockhead stroked across his prostate. 

Blair groaned, when Jim began to sink down on his aching cock. Jim wiggled his ass, after he was fully impaled. Rising back up, Jim looked back down at Blair, watching his eyes. 

"I love you, Sweetpea. God, you feel so good, ... aaahhhhh...." Jim slammed back down, grinding his ass into Blair's pelvis. 

"Jim... baby... yeah...." Blair panted, thrusting upward, driving his cock deeper into Jim. Both began thrusting in earnest racing, towards their ultimate goal. Blair took hold of Jim's dripping cock, pumping it in counter point to their thrusting. 

Screaming, Jim came first, which in turn, sent Blair over the edge. Dropping down at Blair's side, Jim lay panting. Reaching over the side of the bed, Blair snagged a pair of boxers and used them to clean himself and Jim up as best he could. Finished, he dropped them back onto the floor. 

Snuggling together, the lovers drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

End Poetry Reading. 


End file.
